Bristol Farms - 2006-08-16 13:01:51
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Damn you Bristol Farms. I can't stay out of this place. And they have so much great stuff. And of course it's really expensive. And - worst of all - their cheese counter kicks ass. Damn it.

With Whole Foods it's easy to just pop in when you need something special. They have a really crappy selection of most things a normal shopper might buy, and of course the prices are too high. And since I need to go somewhere else to get many of the things on an ingredient list, it's just too inconvenient most times. But with Bristol Farms you can actually do all of your shopping.

They have a dozen varieties of fresh mozzarella. They have a *section* for California cheese. They have samples of things I've never tried all over the place. It's not fair. Damn it.

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Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

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It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

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I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

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If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

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In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

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People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

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I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

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In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

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If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

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We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

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He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

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Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

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The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

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A hen is only an eggÂ’s way of making another egg.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.


After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

The truth is more important than the facts.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

If thereÂ’s one thing I know itÂ’s God does love a good joke.

If thereÂ’s one thing I know itÂ’s God does love a good joke.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

If you are going through hell, keep going.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
Posted by anonymous at 10:24 AM EST on Apr 28th, '10

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
Posted by anonymous at 10:57 AM EST on Apr 28th, '10

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
Posted by anonymous at 2:00 PM EST on Apr 28th, '10

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
Posted by anonymous at 3:33 PM EST on Apr 28th, '10

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Posted by anonymous at 4:12 PM EST on Apr 28th, '10

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

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Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

Should array indices start at 0 o