Cheese Elbow - 2006-06-13 12:25:33
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As part of my cheese education a while back I was reading Max McCalman's cheese books cover to cover. To a non-cheese guy, McCalman can come off as an obsessive loon with a rather unhealthy fixation for cheese. Every few pages you'll find yourself saying, "Settle down Max. It's curdled milk. Try not to get so freakin' worked up." One of the things I found especially ridiculous was his claim to be the first person in the US diagnosed with "cheese elbow".

Putting aside due respect for his legitimate role in building a following for artisanal cheese in the US, this diagnosis leads one to imagine Max "cheese elbow" McCalman as a wimp who has been overcome by a wheel of cheddar.

"Careful Max. That's a pretty big Emmental for a scrawny guy like you. We better let a real man to cut that."

Well. Aren't I the macho he-man? You betcha. Then.......... we had the "cheddar day" at Chez Sullivan. And now my elbow hurts. Damn it.

1822 Comments
Comments:

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The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
Why don't you write books people can read?
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
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Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.
The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.
If a man does his best, what else is there?
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.
A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.
I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
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In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
Hi there, what's up you guys???
Hi there, what's up you guys???
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.
I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.
If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.
Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
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Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...
I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.
I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.
If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
After every 'victory' you have more enemies.
Why don't you write books people can read?
The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'
I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
Hi there, what's up you guys???
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
Hi there, what's up you guys???
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.
Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.
The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.
Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.
I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
The truth is more important than the facts.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.
Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!
Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.
The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.
The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.
We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
Why don't you write books people can read?
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
If a man does his best, what else is there?
If a man does his best, what else is there?
If a man does his best, what else is there?
If a man does his best, what else is there?
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!
You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
The truth is more important than the facts.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.
The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.
Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
Why don't you write books people can read?
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.
You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
Men have become the tools of their tools.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
The truth is more important than the facts.
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...
I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens
There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.
rbgajnwjfnuctwxjwoji, http://www.wennwjgfgz.com uqfhpfgstx
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
Hi there, what's up you guys???
A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.
A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
Men have become the tools of their tools.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to requi