Cheese Shop Sketch
Apr 27th, '06

Monty Python's Flying Circus - Cheese Shop

[ from Monty Python's Flying Circus, third season, first shown 11/30/1972 ]

The Players:: John Cleese - Mousebender;
Michael Palin - Wensleydale;
The Scene:: An Edwardian-style shop which carries the signs:
'Ye Olde Cheese Emporium';
'Henry Wensleydale, Purveyor of Fine Cheese to the Gentry and the Poverty Stricken Too';
'Licensed for Public Dancing';
Two men dressed as city gents are Greek dancing in the corner to the music of a bouzouki.
Mousebender enters.

MOUSEBENDER:: Good Morning.
WENSLEYDALE:: Good morning, sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium.
MOUSEBENDER:: Ah, thank you my good man.
WENSLEYDALE:: What can I do for you, sir?
MOUSEBENDER:: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmond Street just now, skimming through Rogue Herries by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish.
WENSLEYDALE:: Peckish, sir?
MOUSEBENDER:: Esurient.
WENSLEYDALE:: Eh?
MOUSEBENDER:: (In a broad Yorkshire accent) Eee I were all hungry, like.
WENSLEYDALE:: Ah, hungry.
MOUSEBENDER:: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, 'a little fermented curd will do the trick'. So I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles.
WENSLEYDALE:: Come again?
MOUSEBENDER:: I want to buy some cheese.
WENSLEYDALE:: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bouzouki player.
MOUSEBENDER:: Oh, heaven forbid. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse.
WENSLEYDALE:: Sorry?
MOUSEBENDER:: (In a broad Yorkshire accent) Ooo, I like a nice tune - you're forced to.
WENSLEYDALE:: So he can go on playing, can he?
MOUSEBENDER:: Most certainly. Now then, some cheese please, my good man.
WENSLEYDALE:: Certainly, sir. What would you like?
MOUSEBENDER:: Well, eh, how about a little Red Leicester?
WENSLEYDALE:: I'm afraid we're fresh out of Red Leicester, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:: Oh never mind, how are you on Tilsit?
WENSLEYDALE:: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir. We get it fresh on Monday.
MOUSEBENDER:: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please.
WENSLEYDALE:: Ah. It's been on order, sir, for two weeks. I was expecting it this morning.
MOUSEBENDER:: It's not my lucky day, is it? Er, Bel Paese?
WENSLEYDALE:: Sorry, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:: Red Windsor?
WENSLEYDALE:: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
MOUSEBENDER:: Ah. Stilton?
WENSLEYDALE:: Sorry.
MOUSEBENDER:: Emmental? Gruyère?
WENSLEYDALE:: No.
MOUSEBENDER:: Any Norwegian Jarlsberger, per chance?
WENSLEYDALE:: No.
MOUSEBENDER:: Liptauer?
WENSLEYDALE:: No.
MOUSEBENDER:: Lancashire?
WENSLEYDALE:: No.
MOUSEBENDER:: White Stilton?
WENSLEYDALE:: No.
MOUSEBENDER:: Danish Blue?
WENSLEYDALE:: No.
MOUSEBENDER:: Double Gloucester?
WENSLEYDALE:: ..... No.
MOUSEBENDER:: Cheshire?
WENSLEYDALE:: No.
MOUSEBENDER:: Dorset Blue Vinney?
WENSLEYDALE:: No.
MOUSEBENDER:: Brie, Roquefort, Pont-l'Évêque, Port Salut, Savoyard, Saint-Paulin, Carre-de-L'Est, Bresse-Bleu, Boursin?
WENSLEYDALE:: No.
MOUSEBENDER:: Camembert, perhaps?
WENSLEYDALE:: Ah! We have Camembert, yes sir.
MOUSEBENDER:: You do! Excellent.
WENSLEYDALE:: Yes, sir. It's, ah ..... it's a bit runny.
MOUSEBENDER:: Oh, I like it runny.
WENSLEYDALE:: Well, it's very runny, actually, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:: No matter. Fetch hither le fromage de la Belle France! M-mmm!
WENSLEYDALE:: I think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:: I don't care how fucking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.
WENSLEYDALE:: Oh .....
MOUSEBENDER:: What now?
WENSLEYDALE:: The cat's eaten it.
MOUSEBENDER:: Has he?
WENSLEYDALE:: She, sir.

(pause)
MOUSEBENDER:: Gouda?
WENSLEYDALE:: No.
MOUSEBENDER:: Edam?
WENSLEYDALE:: No.
MOUSEBENDER:: Caithness?
WENSLEYDALE:: No.
MOUSEBENDER:: Smoked Austrian?
WENSLEYDALE:: No.
MOUSEBENDER:: Japanese Sage Darby?
WENSLEYDALE:: No, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:: You do have some cheese, do you?
WENSLEYDALE:: Of course, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got .....
MOUSEBENDER:: No, no, don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
WENSLEYDALE:: Fair enough.
MOUSEBENDER:: Er, Wensleydale?
WENSLEYDALE:: Yes?
MOUSEBENDER:: Ah, well, I'll have some of that.
WENSLEYDALE:: Oh, I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mr Wensleydale, that's my name.

(pause)
MOUSEBENDER:: Greek Feta?
WENSLEYDALE:: Ah, not as such.
MOUSEBENDER:: Er, Gorgonzola?
WENSLEYDALE:: No.
MOUSEBENDER:: Parmesan?
WENSLEYDALE:: No.
MOUSEBENDER:: Mozzarella?
WENSLEYDALE:: No.
MOUSEBENDER:: Pippo Crème?
WENSLEYDALE:: No.
MOUSEBENDER:: Danish Fimboe?
WENSLEYDALE:: No.
MOUSEBENDER:: Czech sheep's milk?
WENSLEYDALE:: No.
MOUSEBENDER:: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?.
WENSLEYDALE:: Not today, sir, no.

(pause)
MOUSEBENDER:: Ah, how about Cheddar?
WENSLEYDALE:: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:: Not much ca- It's the single most popular cheese in the world!
WENSLEYDALE:: Not round here, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:: And what is the most popular cheese round here?
WENSLEYDALE:: Ilchester, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:: Is it.
WENSLEYDALE:: Oh yes, sir. It's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.
MOUSEBENDER:: Is it.
WENSLEYDALE:: It's our number-one best seller, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:: I see. Ah, Ilchester, eh?
WENSLEYDALE:: Right, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:: All right. Okay. Have you got any, he asked expecting the answer no?
WENSLEYDALE:: I'll have a look, sir ..... nnnnnnooooooooo.
MOUSEBENDER:: It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?
WENSLEYDALE:: Finest in the district, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:: Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
WENSLEYDALE:: Well, it's so clean, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:: It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese.
WENSLEYDALE:: You haven't asked me about Limberger, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:: Is it worth it?
WENSLEYDALE:: Could be.
MOUSEBENDER:: Have you- SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI UP!
WENSLEYDALE:: (To dancers) Told you so.
MOUSEBENDER:: Have you got any Limburger?
WENSLEYDALE:: No.
MOUSEBENDER:: That figures. Predictable really, I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:
WENSLEYDALE:: Yes, sir?
MOUSEBENDER:: Have you in fact got any cheese here at all?
WENSLEYDALE:: Yes, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:: Really?

(pause)
WENSLEYDALE:: No. Not really, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:: You haven't.
WENSLEYDALE:: No, sir, not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:: Well, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
WENSLEYDALE:: Right-O, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:: (Shoots him) What a senseless waste of human life.

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